so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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