i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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