The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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