so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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