My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
