Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
