well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i've created a new STD.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
