a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
