Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
