Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
