Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
