Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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