Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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