I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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