My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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