and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
