there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
