you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
