I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize