you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
