youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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