Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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