i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
