a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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