it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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