Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
