New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
