I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
