u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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