no, he came in my armpit
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
