ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
