I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
