It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
