Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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