a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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