I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
