i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You pole danced in your parka.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
