as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
