Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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