It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
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Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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