he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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