Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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