I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
