My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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