I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
