Quick, to the slutcave!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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