Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
