The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
