I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
