Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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