Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
