Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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