Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
