Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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