I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
