Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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