Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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