it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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