Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
