Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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