her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
