I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
