Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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