The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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